moulin rouge

2002-10-31 / 6:32 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

"the greatest thing in the world is just to love, and be loved in return."---Ewan Mcgregor in Moulin Rouge

That is a very powerful line. Probably the most powerful line I've ever heard in a movie. It has stuck with me since seeing the damn thing 3 weeks ago. I feel like I've only gotten half of it right though. I love completely, blindly, and totally, which is my problem. I want to think the best of people only when its just too obvious they aren't what they seem. People know this or sense this evedently in me. No matter how much I cry or yell i will be back. I cant say goodbye forever once I truly love you. Being broke didnt stop me from loving Bri, Cali didnt stop me from loving Tom, and gayness didnt stop daniel, or mike, or...okay enough. Anyway I just dont understand people that dont love back. I want undying love, movie love. It does happen in real life, I've met the people. I love someone now. I thought it was perfect. No matter the bad things that had happened I still loved him, still do; it just sucks to think that the one I choose couldn't seem to love me as much in return, or if he did, to never bother to show it. People out there, we arent mind readers. As much as I love all that new age stuff I never mastered it. Is it dumb to need to be reassured? I dont think so. I'm just tired of giving my heart away only to have it smashed...

I met a boy; perfect, cute, and sweet. Held my 4 inch heels when my feet hurt at the block party, talked X-files forever (we had met at the X-po years ago, weird huh?), and MST3K'ed the night away. He even helped clean up. Ahhh you see the catch coming, my observant friends dont you. Gay. Gay, gay gay gay gay....Not flaming, but gay. He reminded me of Bri, loving the dorky things I do like old school gaming, and cheesy sci-fi, except he was able to tell I looked pretty, that I was funny, and that he enjoyed hanging out. oddly enough his name was brian too, except with a y. I wanted that. I want my Brian but with an abilty to make me feel somewhat important in his life. Not nable to ever see me on the weekends, or not making plans. So this week I have brooded on that damn line from Moulin Rouge and its meaning for me, and I made a new friend named Bryan (or Servo...dont ask..its annoying as hell) I have great friends now to just be loved...

An old Jewel song came on the radio the other day. I cried all the way home because its like I wrote it. Its me and Bri, and leaving, and still loving... Just read it. I mean it, read the lyrics Its really how I feel, ever hopeful, but half alive...

You Were Meant For Me

I hear the clock, it's 6am

I feel so far away from where I've been

Got my eggs, and my pancakes too

Got my maple syrup, everything but you

I break the yolks and make a smiley face

I kinda like it in my brand new place

I wipe the spots off of the mirror

Don't leave the keys in the door

Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

Dreams last so long

Even after you're gone

I know, that you love me

And soon you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you

Called my momma, she was out for a walk

Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk

Picked up a paper, it was more bad news

More hearts being broken or people being used

Put on my coat in the pouring rain

Saw a movie it just wasn't the same

'Cause it was happy and I was sad

It made me miss you oh so bad

Dreams last so long

Even after you're gone

I know, that you love me

And soon you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you

Go about my business, I'm doing fine

Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line

Same old story, not much to say

Hearts are broken every day

Brush my teeth and put the cap back on

I know you hate it when I leave the light on

I pick up a book, Turn the sheets down

Take a deep breath and a good look around

Put on my pj's and hop into bed

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead

I try and tell myself it'll be all right

I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

Dreams last so long

Even after you're gone

I know, that you love me

And soon you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you

��

cabbages and kings