one sappy entry

2002-12-10 / 9:01 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about whats important. Things in my life, my love, and my family. Sometimes I get in these moods and I dont know why. Like why am I sitting here holding back tears just writing this?

I am registered for school. For once I am extremely excited about it. Maybe it just took looking back on my life the past 3 years and realizing I screwed up. I'm so smart. I don't mean that to sound conceeded but I am. The one thing I have is a brain. I've always wanted to just read every book I could, and someday write my own. I want to do that. I'm going to do that. I might end up being a teacher somewhere ,writing books on the side but whatever. I want to go to school and i want to do what I like.

I miss my family. I bitch about them and they aren't the best but I love them. My grandparents are ill, my favorite cousins gay, and I cant even clearly recall the last time I talked to them. I want to spend some time with them, before its too late. And my cousin probably needs me now more than ever. We all know Jenni and the gays...at least I won't disown him.

And then as always there's Brian. Lately I've been trying to slow things down in my mind, to plan for the future and the possible realization that when he leaves he may not want to stay together with the strain of long distance, and the pressures of military guy life. I thought I could deal, yet everyday I halfway hope for someway for him to get out of this. I think the depths of my feelings confuse me. I would willingly give up my life for 4 years and wait on him. Especially after seeing him tonight. I just don't understand. They say that everyone has a person that is right for them and I guess its true, all I know is I never knew that I could love someone so much or so totally till now. I already know what he gets when he leaves of mine. Cause together or not I will always love him... Damn the dixie chicks and this acursed :) radio for playing this song....It always makes me think of Brian, and I cant listen to it with out tearing up....See if you agree

Travelin' Soldier I cried

Never gonna hold the hand of another guy

Too young for him they told her

Waitin' for the love of the travelin' soldier

Our love will never end

Waitin' for the soldier to come back again

Never more to be alone

When the letter says a soldier's coming home

So the letters came

From an army camp

In California then Vietnam

And he told his heart

It might be love

And all of the things he was so scared of

Said when it's gettin kinda tough over here

I think about that day sittin' down at the pier

And close my eyes and see your pretty smile

Now don't worry but I won't be able to write for a while

One Friday night at a football game

The Lord's Prayer said and the anthem sang

A man said folks would you bow your heads

For the list of local Vietnam dead

Cryin' all alone under the stands

Was the piccolo player in the marching band

And one name read and no one really cared

But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

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cabbages and kings