you've got mail

2002-12-30 / 7:35 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

Miami lost, football is over for me this year. Lost to New England in overtime by a field goal. Damn. Better luck next season.

I watched You've Got Mail last night. That movie is a must for anybosy who has an online diary, or emails a lot. It was full of small little pieces of wisdom that I can't even begin to list. I realized that I am like Meg Ryans Character in that I can't ever seem to think of the right thing to say in the moment but afterwards I sit and think about everything I could have said.

I feel different. Lately I don't feel like myself. I am trying to get it back. I guess this year I just stopped being me. I was/am still so in love with someone that they were more important. More important than school, my friends, or even my family. But I was unhappy. Not with him, but with how things were. Perhaps Wade was right, he thinks that if Bri and I had met 3 years from now we would already been married and well on the way to happy ever after. I want that now. I don't understand why I can't have it. I can't force someone to love me, no matter how much I love him. I want to see him more than once a week, I want to hear from him everyday, if its only a hello, I was thinking about you, and I called to say I love you. I dont want to get married right now but I want a boyfriend. I want to be able to answer the question when people ask me if I have a boyfriend instead of stutter and look of and say kinda. What is that? I do or I don't. There is no in between. There are diffent levels of relationships, but there either is one or their isn't. I can never seem to say this to him. I love him so much, but when I'm with him I am scared of making him mad, or pushing him away, and I shouldn't be, because if he truly loves me it wouldn't push him away. When or if he reads this, it might push him away, but its not meant to. I love him. I will deal with anything as long as I know that I need to and that I'm not just wasting my life for something that was never there in the first place.

I am trying to get my life back. I am doing a good job of it. I have a good job, school starting with an actual career plan, and a new lease on healthy living (soy and yoga). I just hope I still have Brian....

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cabbages and kings