pensive

2003-09-17 / 8:08 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

Everybody's talking

But they don't say a thing

They look at me with sad eyes but I don't want the sympathy

It's cool you didn't want me

Sometimes you can't go back

But why'd you have to go and make a mess like that

Well I just have to say

Before I let go

Have you ever been low

Have you ever had a friend that let you down so

When the truth came out

Were you the last to know

Were you left out in the cold

Cause what you did was low

No I don't need your number

There's nothing left to say

'Cept I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved

My friends are outside waiting

I've gotta go

I walk out of this darkness

With no sense of regret

And I go with a clear conscience

We both know that you can't say that

Here's to show

For all the time I loved you so

So

I heard this the other day, it made me stop and think. I don't think its getting all the airplay that it should. I guess its obvious who this reminded me of. I have a clear conscience, I said and did everythingthis last time because I believed him, silly me. I keep having this reaccuring dream: I am shopping at the Park's and I see him...he tries to talk to me, to give me some sort of explanation but I won't listen. I keep trying to figure out why it still bothers me, why he haunts me even in my dreams and I think its because I never had any closure. No I don't think we should see each other, no good-bye, not even a fuck you. I want some sort of closure. My mind is trying to get it even though my heart knows that at this point it would just hurt too much. For once my subconscious is wrong. Where are your answers now Frued? I found were he stole 2 of my prized comics. Thats okay though, if I have learned nothing from World Religions its that God, Buddha, karma, whatever...will get you in the end. Oh and aethiests...you got a big fat nothing coming so what could be worse thatn thinking that?

On another note, I got upset by Wade yesterday. Not mad, just hurt. THe boy he liked it turned out I knew and we got to talking and had a great conversation. He seemed to think it would ruin something. THat I would ruin his relationship with this guy. I don't get it. I never met Ricky, Matt and him ended in some weird bloody fight in my apartment, while I wasn't even around, and MIke...well lets just say that there was never a relationship to really mess up. It hurt becuase as I was talking to John (the new boi) I mentioned that I rode to school with my gay best friend on Thursday nights. Why, I guess I'm not even a good enough friend to associate with the people he likes. I was under the impression that friends helped out with that sort of thing. I guess it sucks when you realize you don't have a best friend. Mike and I just are different now, I'm glad to say I knew him, he showed me so much, Mick has crossed over to family. I love her cause I have to. We have nothing in common, but she'll always be there for me but thats not the best friend in her, thats the sister. Wade and Paige...Paige can't seem to call me and Wade was closer in my eyes than was reality. I made HIM my best friend, going to thrift stores, comicin', and collecting action figures with him. He was my focus, the one I wanted when things were down, so now what? Who do I go to when its him that makes me hurt even now? I just want to be happy, to have stupid fun with some one, stay up all night talking, and just generally knowing someone is there for you. Don't get me wrong I have friends, great ones, I can throw a party that is the envy of the neighborhood if I want. But right now thats not what I want. I kinda miss Ashley...

----off subject--- Kami askes " would you be a vampire and drink blood if blood tasted like Dos Equis?"

Unequivically yes.

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cabbages and kings