"I almost fell into that hole in your life"

2004-10-12 / 9:16 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

Whoa someones been catching up on the reading of my journal!! 44 pages viewed and only 5 different hosts yesterday...MAN THATS AWESOME, or stalkerish but whatever.
So I got an email from one of my old boyfriends, Chad today. It made me sad. Not because of him mind you, I still dont know why we dated, what I was thinking, or why I let it last as long as I did. But he was a nice guy dont get me wrong. It made me think about other ex's of mine. So I googled. Its not a good habit, I know. Damn the information age, its made creepy stalkers of us all. I just decided that I wanted to say hi to someone...but he's happy, living with a girl and being all geek-tacular with her and his Star Wars weird crap. Literally I think a tear or 2 fell. I'm not proud to admit it, I just remember all the times we planned things, and everything, and while I knew it actually wasnt going to happen it still just kinda slammed something shut inside me. I mean its true, the whole first love thing. I've loved since, and I've probably loved deeper than I ever did him, but I guess especially in his case I assumed he would always be there waiting. I mean he always has been, why I wouldnt think he would move on and not wait in a perpetual bubble waiting on the day I decided that he was what I wanted is beyond me. Well that got me all sad I started missing all the good times I had with all the people that I wish things would have turned out differently with. I have dated quite a few people and I have no regrets except for 3. Damn them. I wish that I hadnt gotten in that car all those years ago, or that I hadnt listened to my friends and given back that ring, or most especially that I didnt make someone get a job to ease the mounting tension between us. Sigh. Alas life goes on. I cant just be friends either, except in 1 of those cases, (but I wont lie, sometimes that isnt the easiest either) but I would like to be able to. Sigh, I knew I should have ignored that IM the other day. That started this whole thing, I shouldnt bame a chance email from a lackluster ex boyfriend. Now all I want is to go back and try to fix things which cannot be fixed...

cabbages and kings