a sense of meloncholy prevails

2004-02-21 / 4:27 p.m.

Listening::
Playing::
Reading::

I havent really felt like updating in a while, weird I know. I have been doing a lot of thinking about things and life in general and what my future holds for me. I blame Danielle and Tim. Congrats are in order cause they each get to plan a wedding. I never see Tim as it is because I dont think his girlfreind likes me, everytime I see her she just sits there and watches Tim and I talk, its kinda weird. I promise the marvel universe is not a sexual conversation. But I know he loves her so I keep my distance out of respect for Tim because I dont want to be the cause of any trouble for them. He is a great person and I bet he'll make an even greater husband. And Dannielle gets to plan a wedding. I am supposed to go look at dresses with her this weekend. She is so excited. Steve surprised her with a beautiful ring on valentines day, and they are getting married in the fall. It will be great.

All around me these people are getting real lives and getting married and having children and here I sit. Im ok with that usually i really am, but its been bothering me lately. I have this wonderful boyfriend who cant talk to me if his parents are around, who lives 4 states away, and sometimes part of me wonders just how important I really am to him. I was talking to my mom the other day and I told her I probably wouldnt hear from Brian because he was with his parents and she just laughed. Her response was I can see you not talking to him because of me or your father, and shes right. I guess I just want to know where this relationship is headed because as sad as it sounds Im not getting any younger. Not that I wanna be bare foor and pregnant tomorrow by any strech, I just want to have some idea what the future holds.

Drama ensues in my personal life way too much these days. I am tired of it. I think I am getting old. Oddly enough I've stopped even being polite. I hope I dont offend people, but no more. I am not going to be around people that hurt me and I am not going to put up with it. Sometimes even I get mad. Zipper and I are getting closer though. He's amazing. He got me a lollipop the other day. Just something stupid because he knows that stuff like that just brightens my day. It couldnt have cost much but it just let me know I was in his thoughts. Liz does stuff like that too. I think we are starting a business and using the profits to got to Disney World. It is the greatest thing in the world to be around people whom you can let your guard down with. I never mind being silly or stupid when im with them. I know they would never make fun of me and nine chances out of ten Liz is going to have done the same thing. I like going down town getting drunk and playing in barnes and noble. i like planning a trip to disney world and thalking about the rides we like or jamming to new kids on the block in the car. I may be grown up but i know ill never lose my sense of adventure or my quirkyness. I just wish that certain people in my life could appreciate that. But as it is the 3 amigos go on, probably to hang out again tongiht. yay! Im sure some crazyness will ensue...

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cabbages and kings